Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Emotionally Abusive Mothers and Adult Daughters: Part 4 of 4

Subtitled: And joy comes in the morning.

From the time I was young until this very day, witnesses have commented on my relationship with my mother. They’ve called her everything from bipolar to mean to simply jealous. Books and blogs that deal with emotionally abusive mothers describe everything from Borderline Personality Disorder to Narcissism. Hell, I have stories that could support any one of those theories. Several years ago during an innocent car ride, she sneered at me “You look just like those women your father cheats on me with… light skin and big boobs.”

Even though one or more of those theories could be true, I subscribe to the basic idea that my mother is chronically and fundamentally unhappy, attempted to relive her life through me (“live vicariously through me,” as she says), and punishes me like an out-of-line prisoner for attempting freedom.

I took the long route to get here, but last night’s a’ha moment may have saved my life. Mom had another epic mental breakdown because my 18-year old son will travel by train to see his father this holiday. His father and I agreed to this and I helped my son arrange for his ticket. Mom believes his father and I should drive for hours on dangerous Christmas Eve-roads to “exchange him” instead.

To make this long story short, she told both of us off over the phone. One at a time. And of course, my tongue lashing came with a sprinkle of unrelated insults, unfounded accusations, fake tears, and a self righteous hang-up. In times past, I may have joined in the escalation – flustered and crying and raising my voice. Not once did I raise my voice or disrespect. In fact, she commented on my calm with disdain. I suspect she was angry that I wasn’t moved by her next epic meltdown. She did all of that in front of my 18-year old son who was sitting on a couch in the same room with her. What kind of mother and grandmother DOES THAT?

After bitter tears of hurt, I finally realized with amazing clarity that it JUST DOESN’T MATTER. It doesn’t matter if I don’t raise my voice. It doesn't matter that I was too big when I carried weight and too small when I lost weight (true story). It doesn’t matter if I use a plane or a train. It doesn’t matter if I post my straight-A report card on her proverbial refrigerator. If I’m not doing something that makes her the center of my world to soothe her emotional needs, then I’m doing something that deserves her verbal abuse. Period.

Today, I freely give up on feeling guilty for ending the plight to please her.

I gladly release myself from pretending to be an extension of her and for protecting her public image to my own emotional detriment.

I readily give myself permission to feel adequate, a feeling I once ran from to escape the cognitive dissonance of having a mother who said I wasn’t.

With relief, I throw away the need to make or accept one more excuse why it’s okay to disregard me as a grown woman and a mother.

With a sincere heart, I can say: “Mom. I love you and forgive you. You don’t ever have to change a single thing about yourself. But I won’t subject myself to this anymore, and I’m willing to gracefully part ways with you if you won’t respect me as more than your whipping post. You aren’t welcome to project your emotional shortcomings and unmet needs onto me – either directly or indirectly through my children. You don't have a right to interfere with my personal life or give unwanted advice. And most of all, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE THIS LIFE UNDER THE TERMS I SET FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY.

Bonus Link for your Reading Pleasure:
FAMILY JEALOUSY-The Shameful Secret Behind Abuse And Betrayal

34 comments:

ladytruth said...

This post reminded me of the John Mayer song 'Daughters'. But it seems like you have it all under control now. I liked that you have written the last sentence in capital letters 'cause that just affirms what is not being said in your post: you are your own person, you are your own woman. You are inspirational

Big Mark 243 said...

I don't know... after you mentioned how your Mom described you... light-skinned, big breast and (my venacular) full-figured, my eyes glazed over...

I have been thinking about a post on women and especially black women, and their relationships with family. We will see... but how you've described some of your dealings with your Mom is what made me frame the attitudes of some single sister's who were raising children, 'The Black Female Matriarchal Complex.

In general, I think that women are not good friends to each other. They resent and are suspcious of one another because of the MALE concepts that dominate society. Anywho, the Electra thing stretches in a sinster way throughout society.

A 'Mama's boy' is not seen quite as the threat to his father as a 'Daddy's girl is to her Mother. I think that living in a society that fosters and breeds imbalances leads to the kind of relationship you are describing here.

Since I ain't no pyschologist or anything, I hope not to get myself into any deep water. But it seems that for black women, the oppression of sex and being black compounds the effect of how sister's get along with their Mom.

Mom feels unable to educate their daughter because she did not know how to form these kinds of relationships. Also there is resentment because of how opportunity that had been denied in society have opened and choices that she didn't know she could make, the daughter takes for granted. This includes professionally as well as in a relationship. Women can comfortably dictate terms and feel unrestrained to leave a unfullfilling, much less a bad, relationship.

She felt she had to put up with her Husband's philandering. For you, it is a choice. You could have an open relationship and STILL have as much love inside of it as you can hold. For her, the idea is so farfetched that she'd believe in life on Mars than to think that could be a happy arrangement in a marriage.

My ex-wife clings to a related set of antiquated notions that I believe has complicated things between me and our daughter. As far as my Carolina girls... KT's Mom put her on a plane at 7 (!!) when my job kept me from a summer visit. For my ex-wife, I should have done heroic things for her to dole out smidgens of my daughter... to pay me back for her hurt feelings.

While this is a woman's issue, sister girls have a unique flavor all their own. You take care and Happy Holidays!!

Her Side said...

@Mark: lmao at eyes glazing over! Like I said in previous comments, I am terribly interesting in investigating the nature of broken relationships (between mothers and daughters) in Black families - if any such widespread issue actually exists.

In discussing this issue with other women of all colors, I find that the experience seems shared - although race and subcultures may demonstrate unique foundations.

As always, I am elated that you dropped by. :-)

Her Side said...

@ladytruth: I'm gonna go Google that song and give it a good listen. :-) I appreciate your kind words, because this road was so long! Mom called again yesterday and wanted to have another epic mental breakdown because my son hasn't registered for his next set of college courses yet. Claimed she should be notified of any conversations that he and I have about it.

I dismissed her much like you would a child... something like, "Not today. I'm not doing this with you." I just won't engage. Or escalate. Defused. She hated it. I could tell.

I cannot find the words to express how utterly liberating it is to not care about the criticism, chaos, and control. She's gonna miss the ability to upset me and transfer her negativity.

Babz Rawls Ivy said...

You are a grown woman and do not have to be reduced to childhood just by the sound of your mother's voice. She is not your mother now...you are all grown up. You can have relationships in your life that bring beauty, joy, peace and love. Respect your mother, but stop going back for her apporval. You will NEVER get it. Her deal isn't with you...your just the easiest whipping tool she can use at a moments notice.

When we want other people to be different...WE must be different. Take away her power to hurt you, by finding your grace and stand in it.

You are an amazing, accomplished woman. Believe in your greatness and let your beauty shine.

And FYI many of my White, Latina and Asian Sisters have this same deal with their mothers!

Her Side said...

Lovebabz! I suspected this problem existed across racial and cultural lines. And for the life of me, I can't understand why it is so damn common.

"She is not your mother now."

Amen to that. She truly is another woman on this planet who I can welcome into my life, keep at arm's length, or ask to leave.

I will forever respect the time, energy, and sacrifice she gave as my mother. What I don't have to accept is any string she ties to that history.

It's always a pleasure to see you pass thru. :-)

Anonymous said...

my mother has always been emotionally unavailable to me unless you count disdain which is one emotion she have made quit available to me. she is now starting on my 12 year old son

Anonymous said...

Im so glad to have stumbled upon this.. I feel as though i could have written this myself!! Im not sure if im at the liberating point you are at, but i feel theres definetly a change coming and i have taken the step today to stop her from being around my daughters until she stops her crazy, emotionally damaging behaviour. Thankyou for sharing this and good luck with it all in the future.

Anonymous said...

ofcourse, I just read this to my mom after a heated argument....my dad saw the parallel-she, ofcourse, in her narcissist state of mind could not see any relevance, not that I expected her to. I walked out the room saying "it doesn't matter." with her "agreeing" yep, "it doesn't matter." i know it doesn't matter, but how can i feel that way?

Her Side said...

To Anonymous Feb 24:

I also have sons, and I am concerned about how this affects them. I think it's the worst for the oldest (18) who feels so torn.

They youngest (12) voiced to me how he doesn't like it, but actually used the fighting to get his way (e.g. get my mom all angry so she'd yell at me about something). Terrible when you're too selfish to notice your grandkids are using your insanity to get their own way.

Her Side said...

Anonymous August 5: How old are you, and do you live with your mother? I recognize age and geography as huge factors. I'd love to hear back...

Anonymous said...

my sister ....
I thought I was the only one .

Anonymous said...

First of all, thank you for this post. It made me think about my situation.
My mother has verbally abused almost my whole life, I can still remember particular incidents when I was just 8 years old. In 17 now, soon to be 18 and while she doesn't yell as often now, our relationship is still horrible and she still doesn't accept any responsibility for all the hurt and pain she caused me.

When I was young, I just took it, I thought I deserved it. I was very unhappy, didn't have many friends and gained a lot of weight.
As I came into my early teen years, I started to yell back and Im sure you understand how that can just spur the abuse on. But I was sick of being told I was worthless, ugly, fat and weird, sick of my sisters saying to me 'if she leaves, we will hate you forever' she would bring them into the fight, ask them to back her up. They would always take her side of course, I never begrudged them that as she is scary in the middle of a fight. I would listen to them giggle as my mum told them how she didn't think I would ever get married or be happy in my life.

As I matured I started to learn how to deal with it, I shut my mouth and took it. I agreed with what she said and let her wint he fights, I let her feel good about it. Sometimes I would snap and end up in tears but things were better for a little bit. I had friends, my growth spurt removed all the weight i gained and we had moved cities and I had new experiences and opportunities. But it didn't last long, she figured out how to be even more malicious than ever. She knew the sorts of things that she could say that would really tear me down, after all she is my mother. I got very depressed and skipped some school just because I couldn't control the tears that I cried almost all the time. I would come home from school, do my work and climb into my cupboard and cry, I was confused and sad, I was older now, I did all my chores and I got good grades. Why couldn't my mother love me now?

I am taller and larger than her now and if we ever fight its always, wow how can you yell down at someone like that and she convinces me that all these things we are fighting about are my fault. Now I am starting to feel like I have turned into an angry bitter person because of all the abuse I got and I cant think of anything worse than turning out like my mother, I fought so hard for so long to stay alive and stay me and I dont even know if its her who is convincing me Im horrible, like she could do so easily when I was young or If I really have turned into a horrible person, who like to yell and abuse people like she does.

People gave me the same excuses you listed in Part 1, time and time again but nobody realises that I am hurting and I know exactly why and cant do anything to stop it. My Father was always neutral and rarely got involved. When it started, I never told him because I thought it was my fault and then when i started screaming back, I started to tell him but my mother always had an excellently crafted excuse about what terrible thing I did to deserve it. The next day I would get a mouthful about being a princess running to daddy so I stopped telling him about our fights. In one particularly recent fight that ended in some very terrible things said on both ends I asked my dad why he never stood up for me, never tried to protect me and he seemed generally surprised that I really felt like she was abusing me all this time. His only advice was just to shut up and wait until I could move out, you cant change her.

I dont want her to ever be a part of my children's lives, which makes me so sad. I have a great relationship with my Nanna and I wish that I would have been able to give my children that joy in my lives but I have promised myself that I will protect them, like nobody did for me.

Thank you for motivating me to write this, I have never really sat down and truly explained it to myself in so many words.

Anonymous said...

having a verbally emotionally abusive mother is like moving in with the bully. most of times they are so miserable themselves that they need to drag you down with them. my mother is the same and you can't change a persons behavior until they see what they are doing. so you have to change the way you react. i just ignore her comments now even if she calls me ungrateful. i just know now that it is not me, it doesn't stop the hurt but, it just heals faster

Anonymous said...

That is a huge step to take but I'm so glad you had the strength to do it. This is inspiring. Thank you.

Her Side said...

To Anonymous 10:16:

Your story touched my heart in a big way. I suspect your sisters participated on your mother's behalf because they didn't want to end-up on her victim's list!

There's no way to truly know how (and why) mothers can fail us in such big ways. I know it hurts when you get the same lame (and useless) advice about simply "avoiding her" or "just wait until you can move out."

My mother tried to use my children as a weapon against me, and I often wish I hadn't allowed her the latitude. Keep sharing your story, and you are quite welcome to email me. I believe we are here to strengthen each other, and your comment leaves me wanting to help you STAND.

Anonymous said...

my God I dont feel so alone! thank you for this wonderfully written blog and thank you for your courage and eloquence in articulating such familiar cirumstances for me in my life.

i am a single mom and still live with my mother (I pay rent and have a separate apartment in her basement) which doesnt mean anything to her,its still "her house." I provide solely for my little girl and endure so many of the things you mentioned. just yesterday the verbal abuse turned into hot coffee coming my way, cause im an ungrateful loser. then today i am jealous of her that she doesnt have to work and can get her hair and nails done and buy all the clothes she wants, whenever she wants. for the last 20 years she has mentally assaulted me and im sick of it. shes ashamed of me because i became pregnant at 22. its a struggle to contend with her and try and give my 4 yr old daughter any kind of a "normal" upbringing.

i know that my eyes have been openned and i am working on getting out of here as soon as i can. bt ntil then, i am so grateful to you for sharing yor exxperience. i can rest easier with the validation i got from reading this tonight and also knowing that there is hope for me. your my light at the end of the tunnel!

-single white momma

Anonymous said...

I want all of u to know that your posts are drying tears I've cried for two weeks now. I am 31 years old, moved out at 18, college graduate, very happily married with 3 beautiful daughters. My mother, (it pains me to even call her that) has abused me since I can remember. "Honor thy Mother and Father" has kept me under her thumb for many years. I had a daughter when I was 15 years old...my mother likes to always throw this in my face, forgetting she was out smoking crack instead of watching her kids. Most girls who have babies at 15yrs old are not RN's with a bright future when theyre 30. I worked very hard and I am very proud of myself. As I've gotten older, I've dealt with the "mental meltdowns" of my mother. I've never understood why she could be so normal, then so evil. No one is ever allowed to disagree with her or they will be a lifetime enemy. I think I truly thought its been my fault. Two weeks ago she thought she could spread her abuse to my 15 year old...for the life of me I cannot understand on what planet she thought I would let her do that. There was a lot of things she did but these bother me the worst: my 15yr old was at her house and asked to go somewhere with her friend, my mom told her to call and ask me, thinking I was in a place with no phone service. When my child told her I'd said yes she screamed in her face that She was a liar, then called me with an anger so fierce I could it feel through the phone. Saying "you will not undermine me, I thought you had no service" why did she tell her to call me if she thought I wouldn't answer? Some sick game? Then she took my 2 year olds security blanket and said she was throwing it away...only giving it back after my child cried. She also hit her at one point for pooping in her diaper(she is in process of potty training, but afraid of pooping in the potty after a splash incident :)) My daughter (15)said she screamed at them for two days I was gone, mostly about how she doesnt have to run her house like mine, and how i think i am SOOO special. I dont even know why she suddenly hates me so much. I came home early because I could tell in my childs voice something was wrong, my mom was monitoring her cell phone so she was unable to tell me. My mom also told the kids their 9yr old dog was dying and me and my husband are just hiding it from them. Slapped my 15yr old for "having an attitude" after she clapped and screamed in her face to wake her up in the A.M. I have SO much guilt and pain over letting them stay there. I vowed my children would never be abused. She had never abused them before. I seriously thought she knew I would not stand for it. That's only a little of what happened. When I got home I collected my children, went home and called to confront her. My husband and BF felt this would be best since they know me, and felt I would lose it due to her response and put my nursing career on the line. I got ONE HALF of a sentence out (i dont like how u treated my kids....)before she called my children/me every vile name she could think of and did her ever expected hang up. After that the text messages started, I hate u, i should of aborted u, I hope u die, I hope God strikes you down, your daughters a liar, bitch....on and on. After two days the text became treats, I'll get u, I'm coming, your ass is mine, watch out, I'll catch your daughter alone...wtf? I was forced to get an order of protection. I had my own "a-ha moment" I am the same as an abused woman, only it's my own mother. The judge signed the OFP on Friday and I hope I made the right choice. I think she is mentally unstable, but I have protect my own sanity, and my children from emotional abuse. My daughter was so excited for her first job at McDonald's but was scared to go in fear of her own grandmother. This is just this one "mental breakdown" things have been even worse in the past, my lil sis doesn't talk to mom since she tried to stab her in 2008. I just hope I made the right choice.

Somnolent Soprano said...

Thank you for writing this. I found this blog a few months back while I was researching how to deal with an abusive mother as an adult. I found it again today after my mother put me in tears over the phone, and it made me start crying in a whole different way. I think I'll print this out and put it where I can read it after every outing or phone call I go through with her. So thank you for posing this, it is helping me heal.

Anonymous said...

This was incredible for me. I'm a 23 year old girl who's had to move to the other side of the world to live to get away from my mother. I know I love her but I need to separate myself emotionally and physically because it feels like she is suffocating me. You've no idea how much this has helped me.

Thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

I am from Liverpool! I don't have any positive memorys of my mum! I can only reflect on what i do have! My mum always seemed to blame me for her choice in life! My dad! He was good looking and a ladys man! He loved me no doubt! But the earliest memory for me is m mum leaving me alone in our house when i was four! Few times i woke to an empty home! I have a brother who is treated so well! In my adult yaers my mum continues to put me down and degrade me all th time! I am now forty! I have one child who she never see's! My brother has five and she always visits and sits for! My half sister and relatives have all seen this! I don't want to turn out like her and want my daughter to have a good life! I find it hard to trust anyone and i have abused alcohol! I don't know if all this is connected.

elle said...

So thankful to have stumbled upon your blog while researching how to finally close the door on the hope that a healthy relationship is possible with my Mother. It has been my greatest source of pain and I was loyal to it, felt it is my duty as a daughter to deal with this woman who gave me life but was robbing me of it at the same time. Her burdens are her own. I see that now but still closing the door breaks my heart at the same time...but I don’t have it in me anymore. Thanks again for your words.

Unknown said...

Just 30 minutes ago I was researching mother daughter abusive relationships, to see if mine fitted that description. It was a hard step but I don't think my relationship is normal.

I just had an episode and I am all alone in my room (refusing to go out, to shaky to call someone) I am going to use this post to tell somebody what happened

Long story short..

We just moved, so we have a new internet service. For some reason the wifi stopped working and we were trying to fix it. After one hour of resetting, reconnecting, turning it on and off, I gave up and started to do homework instead (pre med student, so I have tons of reading to do). Then she came into my room for some cable or something and looked at me in the bed and said "you just don't care do you?" and I said "I care, but we have tried everything" and then she said "just who do you think you are??? this is why you dont have ONE friend" and walked away.

this may be nothing compared to some of your stories it may even mean nothing to my mother. but her actions made me bulimic, insecure, and a cryer (sp?)

When I was 14, I liked a boy. For my mother's dismay, he was not of "my social class." for God's sake, he was just a boy I had only seen once. I begged her countless times to give him a chance, it wasn't like I was gonna get married. Well, she took off my computer and called me a whore (more than once). Took the door from my room so that she knew what I was doing the entire time (she doesn't work). there was a lot of screaming for a lot of days and a lot of name calling me. I was too scared to say something back, even if I had a million things at the tip of my tongue. I kept a diary during that time, since I had no internet or phone to call anyone, writing just worked. Well, eventually she figured out I was writing so she turned my room upside down and found it. I have never felt more naked in my entire life. She started "keeping a diary" with all her feelings and I found it. it wasnt very hard as it was always easy to see (suspicious? i think so) reading it made me feel very guilty and like the worst daughter in the world. Now I think it was all a plan to make me feel guilty, that it was my fault what was happening, because when you write your deepest emotions, you just dont leave them around the house for other people to find. Well eventually I gave up on the boy.

Everytime something like this happens one day she will wake up and be perfectly normal, and buy me stuff and then she wants to do stuff together, like go shopping or whatever.


I have trouble making, keeping, and trusting friends. Like a serious trouble. I am absolutely scared of loosing control, but i cry at the smallest things for days. I take everything personal. I dont forgive easily. Hence, not many people want to be my friend. and now you know why my mother said that today.

I hit rock bottom about 3 months ago. My mother caught me sleeping with my boyfriend. Of course as you might guess "he is not worthy" of me. she is tapping her fingers for me to break up with him. I love him he is the only one who knows all of this, the only one who understands, keeps me grounded, optimist, strong. I can literally sob with him. the name calling started again and then one day she came home with dresses, all happy.

I leave next year for med school, I cant wait she is poisoning me .

Unknown said...

Just 30 minutes ago I was researching mother daughter abusive relationships, to see if mine fitted that description. It was a hard step but I don't think my relationship is normal.

I just had an episode and I am all alone in my room (refusing to go out, to shaky to call someone) I am going to use this post to tell somebody what happened

Long story short..

We just moved, so we have a new internet service. For some reason the wifi stopped working and we were trying to fix it. After one hour of resetting, reconnecting, turning it on and off, I gave up and started to do homework instead (pre med student, so I have tons of reading to do). Then she came into my room for some cable or something and looked at me in the bed and said "you just don't care do you?" and I said "I care, but we have tried everything" and then she said "just who do you think you are??? this is why you dont have ONE friend" and walked away.

this may be nothing compared to some of your stories it may even mean nothing to my mother. but her actions made me bulimic, insecure, and a cryer (sp?)

When I was 14, I liked a boy. For my mother's dismay, he was not of "my social class." for God's sake, he was just a boy I had only seen once. I begged her countless times to give him a chance, it wasn't like I was gonna get married. Well, she took off my computer and called me a whore (more than once). Took the door from my room so that she knew what I was doing the entire time (she doesn't work). there was a lot of screaming for a lot of days and a lot of name calling me. I was too scared to say something back, even if I had a million things at the tip of my tongue. I kept a diary during that time, since I had no internet or phone to call anyone, writing just worked. Well, eventually she figured out I was writing so she turned my room upside down and found it. I have never felt more naked in my entire life. She started "keeping a diary" with all her feelings and I found it. it wasnt very hard as it was always easy to see (suspicious? i think so) reading it made me feel very guilty and like the worst daughter in the world. Now I think it was all a plan to make me feel guilty, that it was my fault what was happening, because when you write your deepest emotions, you just dont leave them around the house for other people to find. Well eventually I gave up on the boy.

Everytime something like this happens one day she will wake up and be perfectly normal, and buy me stuff and then she wants to do stuff together, like go shopping or whatever.

However, my self confidence was (is?) non existent even if in the out side I look basically normal.

I have trouble making, keeping, and trusting friends. Like a serious trouble. I am absolutely scared of loosing control, but i cry at the smallest things for days. I take everything personal. I dont forgive easily. Hence, not many people want to be my friend. and now you know why my mother said that today.

I hit rock bottom about 3 months ago. My mother caught me sleeping with my boyfriend. Of course as you might guess "he is not worthy" of me. she is tapping her fingers for me to break up with him. I love him he is the only one who knows all of this, the only one who understands, keeps me grounded, optimist, strong. I can literally sob with him. the name calling started again and then one day she came home with dresses, all happy.

This little things happen very often, and it has definitely taken a toll on me.


I leave next year for med school, I cant wait she is poisoning me .

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon this, and it is frighteningly similar to my situation.
My mother used to terrify me, put me down, bully me, try to control my educational/employment choices, called me a freak, wouldn't hug me, slags me off to people... etc - all the while she acted perfectly kindly and "motherly" towards my two younger sisters. The only time she could ever bear to spend time with me was when I'd done something academically worthy at school, or she'd been drinking.
I've always tried to rationalise it, because "SHE" used to complain about how much she hated her own abusive mother - (we were never allowed to see our grandmother for that reason) - and that maybe she was treating me in such a way because it was all she knew. Only after our grandmother died, did I find out that my mother had actually NAMED ME AFTER HER OWN MOTHER! I can try to rationalise that for the next 1000 years, but everything just points to my mother being truly insane.

Last summer, "SHE" finally had the breakdown to end all breakdowns and now my sisters and my dad can see her now for what she really is. It's such a relief to finally be believed after nearly 15 years of trying to get through to them. (I'm 22)

It's really reassuring to know that I'm not the only one with this mother/daughter "thing" (it's the only way I can describe it politely).

Thankyou for your blog.

Jeanney said...

Thank you all for sharing this! I had tears in my eyes because this is my life.

I am a single mom of two boys and I recently move back in with my parents, after living abroad for fourteen years. Before I moved in my mother was encouraging me to do so.Her argument was so that she could help me with the kids. " you're so far away if you move with us I could help you and you can get you're teaching degree faster with my help".

At that time it seem like a good decision seeing that I was going through a difficult separation with my partner was depressed and lonely. Immediately after we moved in it started, she would say things like you're a bad mother do this like this or like that, you're not doing it right, this would happen whenever I was busy with my kids. Then she would nag about my possessions (all my furniture and the kids stuff we moved) Yeah you came here with all you're shit.

After a few months the verbal abuse became a daily returning habit, You're the devil look at you, you don't have a husband you think you're smart but you're not you're brothers are better than you, you're a bad mother to you're kids, you're a freeloader, you look like the devil.

My mothers first words to my on new years day where "you look just like the devil".

When the abuse first started I would be quiet and listen, after a while I would scream and shout back and now I just feel sorry for her she's just so unhappy with her own life and she wants to take it out on me.( but then I curse inside feeling so angry at the bitch)

Since I started studying again I want to finish and get my teaching degree before I move out with my kids, but it is really hard to be in the same house! I HATE HER for hurting my feelings all the time isn't a mother suppose to support her children?

Anonymous said...

I am not alone. I had the strength to let go of my abusive mother and aunt! The years of, "you are stupid, black and evil; the lighter -skinned siblings were supported. The Freedom to be Me and happy is God's blessing to me. Let go

itsmetrina said...

Wow...this hit so close to home that i'd swear we have the same mother. I needed to read this today, thank you for writing it.

Anonymous said...

Remember: Manipulation and passive aggressiveness are the two key ingredients that you should run from like the plague. I am 36 and had been away from my mother for 12 years because she is mentally ill. What I failed to realize is that people like this will stop at nothing to get people in their circle to abuse so that they can continue to get that "high". She told me my brother was getting a major surgery again. I dropped everything-pulled my kids out of school and dumped my whole apartment on the street to get here in time to help him, as my mom is a diabetic and legally blind, only to get here for her to say the surgery is off. I have been paying for it for the last 4 months we've been here. I cannot begin to tell you what I have lost. I am fighting to keep the trust of my kids as I keep telling them it will get better. I used my small savings to come here. I turned our lives upside down because she didn't have the decency to be upfront and center with me and I didn't have the sanity to just check with my brother. I am trying to leave. My dad is really angry with the situation but has been so supportive and has stuck by my side through this all. What is crazy is that my mom left him 30 years ago. All this time I was angry he didn't do more to get our family back together. I learned more about her in the last 4 months than I have my whole 36 years. I have always been a person who isn't afraid of change but this one threw me for a loop. She even had the audacity to tell my 13 year old she needed to start bringing money in the house. My dad went off, needless to say.
I look forward to your suggestions.

To the author of this blog: I, like others, appreciate your opening up the forum and shedding light on such an in-your-face subject.

Anonymous said...

As I read your words I was almost paralyzed and I cried harder than I think I have ever cried in my life. You were describing my life and your words were my words. I felt your pain because I know your pain. I know, I know, I know and I believe you and I am so very sorry for your pain. I am 51 years old and I have been trying all my life to please my mother in hopes that she will finally love me. About a year ago I stopped trying to please her and I wrrote her a long letter and read it aloud to her face to face. I knew she would never acknowledge what she has done to me and I knew she would never apologize, because she has never apologized to me for anything in my entire life. She didn't apologize and even laughed at me as I read and cried. I kept reading even when she called me a liar and I continued to read even as she walked out of the room. I had never in my whole life said the words out loud till that day and she has ignored me since that day. I was always afraid of her, because if you cross her on any way, she is through with you and you are punished, ignored or verbally abused. I finally reached a point where I could not deny it anymore...my own mother has treated me worse than anyone else has ever treated me in my lifetime. I am just now in my life coming to terms with all of it and doing my very best to deal with it and all the damage and sadness. And after all the abuse my mother has done to me....I still love her and wish so much that she would love me. I don't think she is able to love me so...for the sake of my soul, I had to forgive her.----Mom, I forgive you and I love you.

Anonymous said...

I googled "emotionally abusive parents" and stumbled across your blog after my mother had a similar meltdown last night on my Birthday (of all days) and less than 3 months after a broken engagement left me feeling shattered and raw. You'd think I'd be cut some slack given the circumstances but apparently not. I know some of the other commentators have injected race into this but this transcends any racial or ethnic categories. I an white (though my mom is not from this country) and I have very similar issues and find your attitudes and philosophy on how to cope to be spot on. You're totally right on not escalating and fighting back but I'm still struggling on how to do this as I can't help but fight back when insults are being hurled at me. I understand that not reacting is the right course of action theoretically but have a hard time putting it in practice and not letting my anger for years of emotional abuse take over. Thanks for posting and I'll be reading more of your blog.

Anonymous said...

I want to use that last paragraph to help me write a letter to MY mother. It's that good. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It helps me remember that I'm not so damn crazy for feeling this way. :)

Anonymous said...

I wish I could say this to my mother. It's so hard because English is not her first language.....sigh..I feel so stuck right now.

Unknown said...

I couldnt stop crying after I read the post. My mom has issues of her own but it still shouldnt justify the way she treats my sister and I. My mom is an alocholic . My dad left my mom 5 years ago. He couldnt take her manipulation, controling, verbal abuse and anger outburst. After my dad left, her luck started going down hill, she has a hard time being a single mother. My dad never helps her. Long story short she is miserable. I was living on my own hut had to move back because of tough times. I lost everything. So that gave my mom so many reasons to verbally abuse me, calling me a failure, stupid., fat.,ugly, waste of life & ect. Everytime she talks to me, she talks down on me. Shes not from here, she always says if she went to school here, she would be smarter than me. Shes always saying shes better than me. When we go out in public, she embarsses me in front of everyone. To her friends and family she is sweet , nice, a loving devoted mother. She puts on an act and it makes me so sick, no one really knows how she really is. She is always playing victim and want people to feel bad for her. I dont feel bad for her. I view life differently than her. She is always negative about everything. She is always yelling and screaking at me everyday. If do something for her she complains and says i dont do anytjing right but if i dont do anything she complains that I never do anything to help her. Its a never ending battle that I cant win. She is always protraying me in a bad light tomky aunts and cousins. My family never respects me because of her. I hope one day. Ill move out and never have to deal with her. She gives really. Bad anxiety. I always feel nervous around her.

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